What I thought I needed…

While I  tried to continue to process my current situation and the lose of my marriage, I kept thinking about what I needed to be happy again. My biggest fear was being alone, not having that special someone in my life. In 7th grade and in my early 20’s, I went through periods of terrible loneliness.  The fear of being in that place again is what pushed me to the attempt on my own life. So, of course, what I needed was to be dating.

In early March, I met a woman at a brewery tour. We clicked and got along very well. I had never really dated so this whole thing was new to me. During our first date, we both talked about how we didn’t know it was a date. I completely lost myself in this very new relationship. I so very quickly started to project, to fantasize about our future. I was completely subjugating myself to someone and the new relationship. I knew I was losing myself. I also knew this was very wrong and unhealthy.

There was a very important moment when I realized what I was doing, when I managed to step back from myself and see how wrong my thinking was. I was starting to understand that the last thing I needed was to be in a dating relationship. I was no where near healthy enough. I had very little confidence and almost no feelings of self worth.

What I learned from this 6 week period was huge. I needed to be good alone before I could be with someone else. I needed to learn to stay myself while in a relationship. I needed to learn dating is a partnership, not a master and servant.

These are the things I was learning and internalizing. The other big thing for me during this period was that this woman distracted me from my life. It let me breathe. Here was someone that enjoyed being with me as I was.

I came out of this “relationship” with a deep understanding of the fact I was at the beginning of a process. That I had the ability to stand back from myself and analyze my behavior and actions. That I was in control. That I had value.

I was still dealing with a lot of anger and jealousy, but these were decreasing at a slow but steady pace. Dating someone else myself made my jealousy very hypocritical and helped me put it into perspective.

As difficult as things were, still living at home with the ex, seeing her spend nights at her boyfriends house. Feeling replaced and inadequate. I was also starting to enjoy the journey, to really believe I would be in a very good and happy place when I got through the hard stuff.

I looked forward to what I would learn next. What negativity would I get control of, when would I actually be happy again. I knew now it was coming.


P.S. Thank you for you kind words and encouragement. It means a great deal to me. As always, as questions. If you want to talk, ask for my number.

3 thoughts on “What I thought I needed…

  1. Just wanted to say I feel really fortunate that I get to be included as you recount this very personal and emotional time in your life. I can really relate to a lot of it.

  2. Divorce is a horrible thing. Traumatic. Seldom a solution for either spouse. The effects of a marital break up are profound – feelings of loneliness, rejection and failure. When on the receiving end, it is a kind of indictment of one’s character, an overwhelming sense of abandonment and betrayal. I was on the receiving end.

    You are a talented writer. You have a creative mind. You ought to write more.

  3. I can relate with a lot of your feelings as you talk about lossing your marriage. I am in my 20 year with my husband, but feel lonely all the time. I haven’t slept in my bedroom for almost 3 years now. I got tired of feeling rejected every night when I just wanted to be talked to or held. Nothing, night after night riped me apart. So I sleep on the couch downstairs with the dog. Not once has he asked me to come back to bed in 3 years. I find that so sad. I still love him, but feel our relationship is just roommates at this point. Its a difficult situation. You can be lonely in a marriage just as well as being single. Find what makes you happy and enjoy life the best you can. Married or not you are important and deserve to be happy. Don’t rely on someone else to make you happy. It willl never last long term.

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