A very good friend of mine sent me an e-mail recently with the following questions:
“I’ve been wondering about a few of these things for a long time. I have some questions if that’s ok.
Do you think it’s possible to experience real security?
Does it have to come only from inside of you?
Is it possible to have security in any kinds relationships?
Do you think it can be more than a fleeting thing? We feel secure until someone hurts us, then it’s gone?”
I asked to think about it for a couple of days and here is what I came up with.
First, what is security? To me it is a feeling of peace in the idea that the relationship is growing and both parties are involved. A lack of fear about whether the other party will stay or go. A feeling of acceptance by the other party in who you are. Understanding who the other party is and not trying to change them.
I never felt truly secure in my marriage. In the beginning, sure, but as time passed it lessened greatly. I did not feel secure in my friendships. Overall, I was a very insecure person that acted as the class clown to hide this fact.
I learned to feel secure once I understood my place and role in these relationships. I had to teach myself and learn that I am OK. I am a good person and am worthy of friendship and love. This was tricky after my ex told me she never loved me, was mostly ignored by my parents as a child and spent the previous 10 or so years sitting on the couch by myself.
Once I started to venture back out and started to make friends, I was caught off guard by the person others saw in me. I learned to trust the reflections they showed me instead of listening to my self doubt and insecurities. Not to say my sense of self worth comes from outside, just that I was in need of a little outside validation at this point in my life. This wasn’t easy. I put everything I had ion the line and really opened myself up. Put it all on the line as they say. But the rewards, wow.
Now, I feel very secure in my relationships. From casual to very close. I have lost the sense of needing the other person. That needing, that compulsion to be with someone, no matter the type of relationship is gone. It has been replaced by a great sense of security in who I am and a strong desire to share myself and help others.
The more I put myself out there, the more open I am, the more secure I feel.
I think the key is, you can’t feel secure with someone else, until you feel secure within yourself. Find it, it is in you!
P.S. Ask questions!! Post comments!!!